Fake Schmake

These times are no laughing matter. With potentially millions ill, we have to concern ourselves with staying as healthy as possible. This post has nothing to do with real illness. We’re going to talk about theatrics we all used as children to get out of school.

We all faked illness at least once. Some better than others. Because I had real allergies, coughing came naturally. I could turn a five-second cough into a Shakespearean death scene. The skill, as in all staged productions, is knowing your audience. In front of a concerned adult, I could drag this out long enough to at least elicit a pat on the back or better yet, a “you don’t have to do this if you don’t want.”

If I was standing in front of other kids my age, it wasn’t worth the effort because they were working on their own routines. Some of them had a good runny nose thing going. No Kleenex, just an organic, long string to the floor. The more they practiced that one with doleful eyes, the better they got.

The most skillful could vomit on command. That was a real commitment to the craft. Again, this involved just the right audience because you weren’t going to impress your friend who just stuck a French fry up his nose. If you wanted some kind of leverage, this had to be done in front of a teacher who knew to send you home for your parents to deal with.

The Award for Best Fake Illness, or the ABFAs, should be given out every year. A panel of teachers and parents could oversee the submissions. “This year’s award goes to…Becky Jones for her artful portrayal of “Flu Caused By Math Homework.” An audience of coughing, sneezing, vomiting professionals would rise to their feet in respect.

There were many restrictions placed on my time at home because of alleged faked illnesses. 1. No television. This would change throughout the day if I planned my recovery just right. The Price is Right was a good one because it came on just as my miraculous recovery was beginning. 2. Nothing enjoyable to eat or drink. Green popsicles if I was sick to my stomach. If I wasn’t really sick to my stomach, this would cause actual illness and therefore make the day off school legitimate. Canned soup only, but nothing containing interesting shapes or tastes. 3. No putting on daytime clothing. I don’t know why this one was a punishment. It is kid heaven. Lay in bed with yesterday’s clothing? Ok! No problem!

The lines between real and fake illness blurred as I got older. Today I can still see those doubtful faces when trying to decide if I’m ill. ”Are you really? Or are you looking for a day off from life?” Maybe they are one in the same. Needing some time away from the stress of the world doesn’t have to mean physical and its ok to acknowledge that.

Please stay healthy! You are important to the world!

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