The major October holiday is one of childhood’s greatest dreams. A day, for the purposes of kid-dom, that centers around candy. Never one to court the majority, I was not a fan of Halloween. In fact, I hated it until I grew up and discovered the joy of observation.

Halloween costumes of the 60’s and 70’s were not designed for comfort or pleasure. The one-piece, pull over dress came in a ONE SIZE FITS ALL that actually fit very few. It was composed of some sort of torturous, itchy- stretchy paper, designed to stay in one piece for at least 30 minutes. Not to worry, the actual time touching human skin was limited.

Trick-or-treating during the brisk Midwestern evenings required tedious preparation. Shirts of all nature – under, tee and turtle – were layered upon hapless children, along with long underwear and stiff pants. Walking was uncomfortable, sweaty and not the least bit enjoyable.

But the worst part of Halloween was the mask. An unbreathable piece of plastic, it was the sadistic parent’s best tool. “You’re going to wear this and feel like you’re being smothered for two hours if you want candy.” In today’s world, creepily painted masks are mainly used for bank robberies and slasher movies.

In the end, our neighborhood take yielded mostly Candy Corn and Pixie Sticks. Not exactly coveted Halloween bounty. The experience from beginning to end was disappointing.

The world of costumes and holidays changed as my own children grew up. The old, smothering plastic mask is gone and there are many more options. Now that I can view the process without being involved, there are easily recognizable categories for costuming:

  • The “I want to re-live my childhood through your costume” parents.

Seven layers of princess dress, long white gloves and a crown This unhappy child spends the evening tugging at the excessive fabric and refuses to wear the crown after obligatory pictures. Next year will be even bigger.

  • The parents who want to make their kids’ dreams come true.

Tommy wants to be a Ninja Turtle. So we spent $200 buying special turtle fabric and drove to the specialty shop in the city to find an actual replica of a turtle shell. One hour into the Halloween ritual, Tommy decides he would have preferred to be Spiderman. He lets everyone within shouting distance know.

  • The parents who didn’t have time but tried.

The kid whose parents find the only costumes left at Target because they just don’t have time for that nonsense. They will be wearing the skeleton or Witch with a plastic wig.

  • The parents who did have time and tried, but failed miserably.

I don’t sew. I went through a period of stapling things, but that only gets you so far. I tried to re-create elaborate costumes by stapling and gluing. I still have dreams about pink felt. I tried.

  • The kids who decided it wasn’t worth the effort.

At 8:00 p.m. all pretense is lost. Older kids come to the door with no costume and a pillow case. Kind of an implied robbery, we’re here to take whatever candy you have left. Don’t ask questions.